These words are snapshots of certain points in my life. I like to read them to remember how I was feeling and what I was thinking at the time. Please feel free to apply whatever meaning you'd like.
(I don't call them poems because it doesn't feel appropriate, but you might disagree)
I’m still so uncomfortable And I think that’s why this works I was living in shadows But you are a spotlight Exposing my ugly Forcing me out of hiding I know there is beauty here But my shame keeps me blind Keeps me quiet Keeps me hungry Behind a carefully placed curtain There is a process Which will not be revealed Before it is finished Until that time I’m not what I was Nor what I will become So what am I?
I think of you fondly And often I want to share with you The mundane details of my days And I want to know about yours Ideas and ponderings Curiosities Linger at the tip of my tongue Awaiting your open ears Your wisdom and wit The quiet space between Once brought on worry But now leaves me With a full heart And a tender smile
I can’t stop thinking About your perfect teeth The way your lips move Around them When you speak
Close your heavy eyes, Bear; Lay your head against My chest. I hope that you find peace Here; An escape, a place To rest. I’ll watch over all your dreams And When it seems they’ve grown Less sweet, I’ll stroke your hair and take your Hand, Until the beasts admit Defeat.
I woke up this morning With tears already pooling In my tired eyes. The alarm sounded too early. A nightmare plagued my sleep, And I wondered how rested I was Having woken up so many times. I headed for the bathroom and spent a moment Staring into the mirror As if I would find some comfort there. I returned to the bedroom and found that my strength was diminished. The tears escaped and I felt angry and ashamed. I hate mornings like this. But you had a nightmare too, and sleepily beckoned me into your arms. We shared our unpleasantries Allowing them to dissipate into the morning grey. I glanced at the clock. The relief vanished. Late again. New plan. I got ready and climbed back into bed Milking you for cuddles before facing the real world. The front door is always a challenge to open. I fussed with it a few second too long, and watched the bus pass by. I felt the passages in my brain constrict as the stress grew more intense. It’s fine. It’s fine. I began to walk, oozing negativity. Then I heard the birds chirp, felt the cool air against my cheeks, and realized my advantage. How many people are lucky enough to experience this beauty to start the day? I enjoyed the rest of my walk, caught the next bus, and read an interview with some graphic designers on the ride. I arrived, still a little tense, but less so. (A girl with a pink ukulele at her side has no reason to stress) From a distance, I saw a familiar face, who hollered that my class was cancelled. I sighed and smiled. My stress is as real as my nightmares. And rob me of my waking hours Like the latter robs me of my sleep. Learning not to worry is a trick. But it appears the universe is on my side And is quite the patient teacher.
I’m walking Naked Blind Trying to learn where I am And my relationship to this place.
I want to tell you Everything will be okay. But I don’t know that. I want to tell you Everything will work out But I don’t know that. I want to tell you I’m here and I’ll do whatever I can But you need to rely on yourself right now. I want to take away Your anxiety and your regret But you made this bed you’re lying in And I can’t join you there. I can only cheer you on from the sidelines Encourage you when you’re weary And run alongside you Until my path leads me elsewhere.
You’re the most attractive person. Even when you’re being a goofball. Especially when you’re being a goofball. It’s amazing.
Maybe all I needed Was to be reminded That it’s okay To be myself. I feel free. I wonder why I’m so uncomfortable In my skin. I wonder why I doubt myself So heavily.
I’m so lucky To see you As yourself When so many people Will never Have the chance To experience you At all.
My eyes are heavy from this long day This long week. There’s no reason for all the worry that creases my brow. I know I make things up to fill the spaces. I don’t know how to be still To stop fighting Even when there’s no opponent, I fight. I’ll invent one. Years ago, they said I had a warrior’s spirit. Now, I’m not sure what I have. I live inside my head, More so than I ever have. Day in and out, I find myself wandering these dark halls, Pulling out the drawers, Rummaging through the forgotten contents, Trying to forge connections that never were. I don’t know where I am Or where I’m going. Some days, That’s alright. But most days, It’s terribly unsettling And I don’t know how to rid myself of that feeling. I want to be swept away by the wind. I want to see the world, Live an anchorless life, Laugh at falling leaves and make strangers smile effortlessly. But I feel so heavy, Like my feet are soaked in concrete, Like I’m sinking into the earth. I regret so many words these days. I think I forgot how to talk to people, Or I’m just realizing I never really knew how. I’m self-aware like I’ve never been, Wondering about everything I do and say, What benefit it is to anyone. I find myself wanting to be nowhere. Yes, I care what others think of me, But I believe all of this comes from a place Of desperately wanting to be good, To do good, To leave good behind me. I look at my father, At the lives he’s touched, And I want the same for my life. I worry that I don’t understand love, How to care for people. I wonder if I live based on fear. I wonder I wonder I wonder.
Today I awoke Feeling like a paper doll Fragile and flat Shoved inside this too-big skin suit Forced to walk the world Peering through cut holes With tired eyes In shoes that don’t fit quite right.
Last night I dreamed I was in a bathtub full of bones. I was scared for a moment. But then I remembered You were there to make sure The badness couldn’t get me. So I laughed And threw the bones over my shoulder One at a time. Some of them dripped with blood. But those made me laugh even harder. The real laugh. The one you love to cause. And then The tub filled up with water. And I relaxed.
Tears streamed down the old man’s face. “I want to get better so I can sing with you.”
there’s a place where your shield is almost lowered and my shell obscures my face a little less. our weapons are not at the ready. we are vulnerable. it’s a place where I can look into your eyes and you into mine with curtains pushed back, a piece of soul rising to the surface ready to be known after so long in hiding. over time, we’ve both receded behind walls for safe-keeping where we are us but not us so that no harm will come. but together, we are free and allow room for some destruction shrugging off the fear of judgement and loneliness to embrace the possibilities, holding hands, and barefoot.
Occasionally I become insecure About my insecurities, Which is not something I quite understand How to climb out of At this point In time.
What is reality But a culmination Of perceptions And expectations? Does it share with truth The ability to change Depending on the shoes one stands in When it is evaluated? How, then, Can one know If the reality before him is truly real Or if the truth he has found is indeed true? And if reality and truth are dynamic Rather than static, As many seem to believe, How might one pinpoint, Or change, These things?
You’re my dude. I’m your girl. Let’s eat.
What a privilege it is To spend a night Watching over the man Who has spent his life Watching over me.
Hospital coffee Is just as weak As those who drink it